What should I do if I look too fierce?

“My name is Busujima Saeko, I am the oldest child and the only girl in the Busujima family.

For as long as I can remember, what has been with me is the wooden knife that is so heavy that it is hard to lift it.

My father is a strong and majestic man. In the eyes of others, he is one of the most famous great swordsmen in Neon. He is the swordsman who spread Busujima style kendo to foreign countries and even foreigners are impressed by him. By.

But in my eyes, he is not a qualified father.

Ever since I was born, I have been living up to everyone’s expectations and working hard to become the Busujima-style heir.

When other girls were holding dolls and playing with their friends in the room, I had to wave the wooden knife in my hand over and over again to avoid being scolded by my father when he checked at night.

While other girls were discussing what kind of clothes looked best, my father asked me to learn various sword skills.

Time and time again, he was knocked down by opponents who were much taller than him. Then he swallowed his tears, got up, and charged forward again with his wooden sword.

This is my childhood.

I thought that as long as I worked hard like this, my father would recognize me. And I will also become the next father, a great swordsman respected by others.

However, I was wrong. Maybe I used to be the pride in my father's eyes, but...

With my mother's death, my father's remarriage, and the birth of my younger brother, everything changed.

The same swordsmanship required me to master it proficiently without eating or sleeping for several days, but my younger brother only needed to learn it in a playful manner before he could understand the truth.

I finally understood that no matter how hard I tried, I could not avoid the sad ending of being easily surpassed by my younger brother.

My father no longer urged me to learn swordsmanship, but asked me to learn how to become a woman. For him, as long as I become a good wife in the eyes of others, it would be considered as a disgrace to the Busujima family.

The funny thing is that I am extremely stupid in learning the art of swordsmanship, but I am unexpectedly gifted in this area.

When I learned cooking, sewing, tea ceremony, and even 'women's ways', and learned how to be a good wife, my dreams also changed.

It's funny to say, it wasn't until junior high school that I realized for the first time that I was a girl after all. When you meet someone you like, your heart will beat fast, and when you see something cute, you can’t help but smile.

I once naively thought that maybe I, who was destined to have no achievements in the art of swordsmanship, could still become a good wife for someone in the future. Being able to have a beautiful love that I will not regret until my death, giving up the so-called swordsmanship, and focusing on doing everything a wife should do for the person in the future, this is also a way for me to realize my self-worth.

I left my father's side and came to Chiba alone to guard the empty gym. I went to school alone, cooked alone, and lived alone in this city without any acquaintances or cares.

I once thought that I would start a real life of my own. I don’t have my father’s expectations, I don’t feel jealous of my brother’s talent anymore, and no one knows me.

I just need to regard kendo as fun and be as ordinary and happy as other girls. That would be enough.

until

That night in junior high school, when I was alone on the way home from school, I discovered a pervert secretly following me behind me.

She knew clearly what the man was thinking, but deliberately let the pervert get close to her. When he wanted to violate her, he took out the wooden knife he carried with him and broke his leg bones and shoulder blades.

I don't know why I did this, but when I chopped off his bones with a wooden knife and watched his ferocious and evil face turn into horror and despair, my heart soared with unprecedented joy and excitement.

The final verdict was that although my actions were somewhat over-defensive, considering my age and identity, I was not held responsible.

But I understand that I can never go back.

When I understood how terrifying the dark side in my heart was and how terrifying the uncontrollable violent impulse was, I knew that I would never be a normal girl again.

Even with me, I began to hate myself, hating myself for having such a mentality, but having a soft heart like an ordinary girl.

I hate myself and my heart for falling in love with others.

I do not deserve.

I don't deserve to fall in love with someone, and I certainly don't deserve to be loved by others.

Until that day. Mr. Aoki appeared in front of me.

I had clearly decided that I would never fall in love with anyone again, but for some reason I couldn't help but feel a crush on him.

With daily practice, his kendo strength improved rapidly.

This kind of talent is completely incomparable even to his own younger brother. I'm a little jealous, but more of an envy.

Moreover, the most enviable thing is that he can live freely in the fearful eyes of others. No matter whether others look at him with fear or hatred, he still follows his own pace step by step. This may be the reason for my heartbeat.

Maybe, he will accept himself.

Such a powerful man makes my heart move, and I can't help but admire me - if I could be like him, no matter whether others fear or like me, I can live my own life and not be affected by others. How great would it be? ?

This admiration turned into more love.

When he fell into my arms covered in blood that day, the pain and anger in my heart made me suppress for the first time the violent impulse that I couldn't bear as long as I saw blood.

When I saw the group of delinquent high school students who were wailing on the ground after being beaten by him, I had to admit that he was far more powerful than I thought.

I took him home, wiped him dry, and put him on his bed. I looked at him quietly for a long time. His sleeping face was peaceful and gentle, unlike in the past when he often frowned unconsciously and had a look on his face. The vicious look is much better. Maybe, this is the real thing, he can't say for sure.

I still remember my thoughts at that time - I just felt like this moment could last forever.

After he woke up and looked at his shy face, I finally couldn't help but express my feelings in a subtle way. After he left, I lay down on the spot where he had been lying, blushing and staying there for a long time.

I still can't forget his smell.

only

He rejected me in the same subtle way.

This afternoon, he said he would not come to sword practice again.

He said he owed me a favor and didn't know how to repay it.

In fact, I do not know. I don’t want him to give it back, because if that happens, he will never think of me again, right?

All I know is, maybe from today on.

I'm alone again.

That day, his peaceful sleeping face in my room became the only color in my black and white memories.

That dreamlike time passed, and it was time for me to wake up from the dream and recognize the reality.

I am not worthy of love - Busujima Saeko.

——————

ps: I hesitated for a long time about this chapter, but in the end I didn’t keep it myself, so I put it in the main text. I don’t know if you like it or not… There should be no chapters like this in the future.